Love is kindness, kindness is love

While this blog is primarily about food ethics and politics, it has also always been a space for my broader musings on life, ethics, love, and politics. And so today I’m choosing to share something intimate – my beloved Lover’s and my newly updated (or corrected) vows that we made to each other last weekend on the occasion of our 25th wedding anniversary.

We thanked both sets of our parents for their examples of enduring coupledom – the highs and lows, feelings of joy, sorrow, and anger… relationships are sometimes great and sometimes shite.

Watching our folks our whole lives has taught us that longevity is to no small extent built on how you respond to each other and to external stresses, how well you forgive each other your trespasses and undesirable idiosyncrasies, and whether you choose to fully see and embrace each other’s beauty and strengths.

I will preface this further by acknowledging that we have not always been kind to each other, and we have not always been our best selves. Our willingness to forgive each other must be one of the foundations of the longevity of our love and long-standing relationship. But here we are, 25 years married (27.5 together), vowing afresh how to best navigate and celebrate another 25 years together.

Without further ado, forever I do.

Stuart

I vow to always be kind. When I’m tired, when I’m sad, when I’m angry, when I’m stressed, or when I’m busy, I will still be kind.

I show kindness in my eyes – I vow to look at you with love and respect, no matter how I feel, because I love you and respect you deeply.

I show kindness with my voice – I vow to speak to you with love and respect in my voice, no matter how I feel.

I show kindness with my acts – I vow to help you be who you want to be and do what you want to do by being there when you need me, hugging you when you need a hug, and letting you go when you need to go. By doing the dishes when you’re tired, and at least sometimes greeting you with a nice lunch when you come in from the boning room.

I make sure you always have water in your truck, I give you coffee in the right cup to suit your mood and caffeine desires each day, and I vow to butter your toast all the way to the edges. I vow to remember that your hearing is more sensitive than mine and place dishes and pans down gently.

I show kindness by remembering what you like and what you don’t. I vow to never buy merlot again, to pick you jonquils when they first bloom in the dam paddock before the cattle can eat them, and to sometimes put more than just lettuce in the salad. I vow to serve others before myself, and to wait until everyone is served before I start to eat.

I am not a word person, but I know words are important to you. I vow to find words to tell you when I’m stressed, when I’m angry, when I need your or someone else’s help to solve a problem. I vow not to punish you with silence, and to just give you a hug when I can’t find the right words.

I vow to be present – to listen when you speak to me, to respond to what’s said, and to take joy in time spent together. I vow not to waste time on negative emotions, because life is short and I want to enjoy every minute of our lives.

I have loved you for most of my life, and I vow to love you for the rest of my life.

Tammi

I vow to always be kind. When I’m tired, when I’m sad, when I’m angry, when I’m stressed, or when I’m busy, I will still be kind.

I show kindness in my eyes – I vow to look at you with love and respect, no matter how I feel, because I love you and respect you deeply.

I show kindness with my voice – I vow to speak to you with love and respect in my voice, no matter how I feel.

I show kindness with my acts – I vow to help you be who you want to be and do what you want to do by being there when you need me, hugging you when you need a hug, and letting you disappear to the paddocks or another project in the shed when you need to. By helping to plant more trees and by feeding you before you get hangry.

I show kindness by remembering what you like and what you don’t. I cook your eggs to over medium and fry yours when poaching mine, I keep nuts out of your salad, and schedule orthodontist appointments on days when I can take the kids so you don’t have to. I take them shopping for shoes so you don’t have to enter a shop, and ensure there’s plenty of fruit in the house for your morning hit.

I am a word person, and I know that you are not. I vow to accept that you don’t always have the words to say what you feel, and to help you find them with kindness and love, and to just accept a hug when the words simply aren’t there. I vow to accept that not all silence is punishment, and that sometimes you need me to be silent too when your head is elsewhere solving a problem.

I have loved you for most of my life, and I vow to love you for the rest of my life.